How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
