You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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