I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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