Where is the hickey?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
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