At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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