genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
how does that bad decision feel?
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