I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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