he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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