I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
