the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
