the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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