mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
