I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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