Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Found your dick twin last night
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
