Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Walk of Shame today included voting.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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