How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
