He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
