If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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