and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
