I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
