The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
