it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
