Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
