Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
