The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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