birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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