am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
