My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
