Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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