He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Do vagina's smell?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize