i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
