I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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