Cold hands, warm shart.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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