I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
