There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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