i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
