so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
