went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
