Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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