shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
