i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
