I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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