Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
what day is it and did you see me today?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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