I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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