some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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