you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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