Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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