i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
