I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
