Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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