I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
