I think I died a long time ago.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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