I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
