and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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