I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize