Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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