Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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