please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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