The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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