remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
