yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
